Step-Family Stress & Divorce Dilemmas
Written by Kathy T.
Can we avoid Wedding Day problems with divorced parents of the Bride and Groom?
Your Wedding Day can be perfect, even with complicated family backgrounds, but it does require some co-operation! The best case scenario is that everyone gets along when you come from a divorced family, or have multiple step-families and half-siblings. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. And while it is nice to say “just invite everyone and they can decide to come or not”, it does affect the Bride and Groom’s planning, and it can add to the stress level, which is ALWAYS to be avoided.
Using the word divorce on a website dedicated to weddings seems quite distasteful, but these things must be discussed!
Communication is the key to having a wonderful wedding, despite “problems” with formerly-related guests and family members.
If your parents are divorced but still friendly (or at least civil), then usually the only difficulties are whether to seat them at the same table. Don’t. If you have a Dad and a Step-Dad, then who walks the Bride down the aisle? Usually your birth father, but that can be changed if necessary. Both your Mom and your Dad can do it together. Or ask Dad to walk with you down the aisle, and then have your Mom and Step-Dad join in when the minister asks “who gives this woman?” They can all say “we do”. After your First Dance, you usually dance with your Dad, but the third dance can be with Step-Dad (and Groom can dance with Step-Mom if there is one). You shouldn’t create 3 hours of special dances to get everyone in, but you get the idea! The Father’s toast can be done, and then a little later, the Step-Father’s toast. Often, there is a different viewpoint to share on the bringing up of the Bride!
Wedding Day can be difficult for the Bride’s Step-Mom too. All those pictures with your Mother, and special Mom-Daughter moments can leave her feeling left out. Try to talk with Step-Mom and tell her that you love her and want her to be part of your day. Ask her to help you shop for things, and arrange some of the reception details. Make sure you get some special photos with her. Most Step-Mothers realize that they can’t have all of you on your Wedding Day, but it’s a beautiful thing when they get some of you!
Divorced (and still civil) parents of the Groom are easier to accommodate, as they have less visible roles in the event. Many times it is easy enough to seat them at separate tables and to make sure they all get proper photos taken with the newlyweds.
Bride or Groom, if your divorced parents are less-than-friendly, then be sure to tell them everything! Talk with your parents and explain the arrangements for the event. Let them know that this is YOUR day, and you expect them to either get along, or avoid each other for your sake on one day that is meant to be so special! If they know all the plans for the rehearsal, walking down the aisle, and the reception, then they will be less nervous about it, more likely to manage the avoiding game, and more able to deal with any “friction” moments that do occur with the ex-spouse.
As appalling as it seems, it is true that some families just cannot seem to pull themselves together, even for a special event. In this case, then you really have to make some brutal decisions that should not be yours to make when you are planning such a happy occasion. This is the stage where I say “invite everyone and whoever can make it will come”. When it is your own parents that this might exclude, it can be very hard. Try to think of it as though the person lives too far away and could not afford a flight. Or think how you would feel if it was your fifth cousin and they said they had the flu and couldn’t make it. You would go on with your plans and have a wonderful day! This is what you must envision when someone special just can’t bring themselves to share space with a “certain other someone”. It is easy to think that they don’t care for you enough to put their differences aside, but let’s face it, some divorces are nasty, and leave bitter memories and ongoing hurt that can be difficult to work around. If this is the case, it is usually a difficult decision for the person involved, so try to accept their response and move on with your plans!
Now there are some points of advice: NEVER try to invite a parent without their new partner! Even if Mother threatens not to attend if her ex-husband’s girlfriend comes, his invitation should be made out to Dad and Guest. If he doesn’t think it appropriate, he won’t bring her. If Mom is freaking out about it, she’ll have to find a way to come to terms with it. Find room for step-siblings too. If children are invited, then it is quite a snub to leave out the children of Mom’s new husband. Don’t take it personally! The children of divorces often get a lousy deal when it comes to weddings. Be happy with everyone that can make it, and understanding with those that can’t. You wouldn’t be hurt if a friend or co-worker was unable to attend the wedding, so don’t be upset if Dad can’t make it, regardless of the reasons.
Keep the lines of communication working, and hopefully everyone will join in the festivities with eyes wide open and smiles intact!
Best Wishes,
Kathy
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